Making a Marriage

Hello,

My wife said something to me that was interesting today. She said, “The honeymoon phase was fine, but I enjoy hanging out with you a lot more now than I did when we first got married.” This statement is one often said by veterans in marriage (which we are not yet), yet I couldn’t agree more with her. It got me thinking, why? Emily and I are both sinners. We have been through some things which might have rocked a marriage. In fact, in a lot of ways we are no better than the marriage down the street that is just going through the motions. Looking back, I can see a hundred forks in the road which could have easily led us to hate each other by this point in life. 

Now, at this point, it is easy to say that we have chosen the right paths because we both love Jesus. There is some truth there, and I do think the Spirit’s power is the main reason for our marriage. Yet, it is unfair to the myriad of marriages that struggle with intimacy in which both spouses love the Lord. Now, I will preface this by saying I do not have the answers in any holistic sense. So instead of answers in which I paint myself to be the expert that I certainly am not, I want to just share a couple of reflections I have from my marriage.

There are a few moments in our marriage in which we have had to make tough choices. Such as our decision to let go of social media, my decision to give up video games, us intentionally leaning into the things that we could do with one another, and probably most important was our decision to have Emily stay at home with the babies instead of continuing in her schooling/career. This is not to say we haven’t made incorrect decisions or that everyone else must make these decisions, but these have been some of the defining moments in our marriage. These were moments where it would have been much easier to make the selfish decision and go with what the world around us says is important. 

In addition there were a million small moments where we took deep breaths and continued to work out issues instead of letting them slip into bitterness. I think those small moments affect marriage most of all. In fact, when you enter into a marriage in which divorce is not an option, it becomes much simpler to remember it is in our own best interest to make this marriage the best it possibly can be. Yes, even in those small moments where we are tempted to stoke the fires of resentment toward our spouse. And in the moments where we have sinned against one another, where we have been selfish, or blown up, or not been careful with our words or actions, the Lord provides beautiful moments to repent, ask forgiveness, and grow in our grace and love for one another. 

This all is working around something that I believe is true for any marriage, or relationship in general. It is only going to turn out as well as you make it. If you prioritize yourself, you will grow isolated and frustrated in your marriage. If you don’t work to find things to do with one another, you will grow distant. If you allow the flesh to say what your schedule looks like instead of intentionally using every moment to be in God’s presence, you won’t be the person your spouse or children need. If you prioritize work or finances, your marriage will be strained.

All this rambling is just to say that each marriage has the power to make or break itself. Something Emily and I’s premarital counselors instilled in us is this from Romans 12:10 “Outdo one another in showing honor.” They said the key to a good marriage is pretty simple, always seek what is best for one another. Then you will always be competing to see who can sacrifice to love the other. What is simple in words, is not simple in practice. What if I have a prolonged period where I am treating her with the utmost respect, honor, and love, and she never returns it? What if he did something so awful that he doesn’t deserve my love or grace any longer? These are real issues that I don’t have the space to address in their fullness, yet the mission remains. And, you know what, I would argue that if we are always seeking to outdo one another in love, we will find our desires for ourselves will be fulfilled but in a much more beautiful way. Instead of me getting what I want at the expense of my spouse, I am given what I want as an expression of love from my spouse. 

Yet, the inverse of this is also true. If we are obsessed with our own “needs” being met in our marriage, we will find ourselves in the wrong kind of competitions. Who is doing more? Who did it last time? Whose sin patterns have been affecting the family more? Who gets to spend the money on what they want? Even questions of having sexual or emotional “needs” met, and why we deserve more from our spouse. Instead of a marriage that grows in sweetness, love, and honor, we can easily end up in a marriage where my spouse is our enemy, the obstacle in the way of our happiness. 

I am not a counselor, I am not in a perfect marriage, and I do not have all the answers, nor do I want anyone reading these reflections to think I believe my marriage better than anyone else's. I am just a man absolutely in love with my wife, more today than when we first married. I crave time spent with my wife, and in a culture where many of our friends cannot or do not say the same, I have started to reflect on what might be the difference. Good marriages require much work, intentionality, and sacrifice. They require leaning into feelings and conflict even when they are small. They require thinking the best and forgiving quickly. They ultimately require we lay down our own lives as Jesus did for our spouse. Yet, Emily and I would testify that the opportunities missed, the money we didn’t make, the fun we didn’t have, and the awkward conflicts we would not avoid were all worth the marriage we are building. So dream together, play together, cry together, and outdo one another in showing honor. I think we will continue to find God blessing marriages that intentionally make the decision to invest in themselves over all other earthly pursuits.

-NR