Wondering
Hello,
Sometimes I find myself wondering if I will ever “get it.” If there will ever be a moment in my life where I am able to accomplish what I wish to accomplish. If I will ever crack the code of how to drum up motivation and determination for the hard work ahead. Historically, I have been a buckler. I buckle under the pressure of my own expectations. There is a deep desire to work hard, as I know all worthwhile and good things deserve and require hard work, yet many times that is where it abruptly ends, with a desire…As Nietzsche and, more appropriately, Eugene Peterson so eloquently put it, a successful life requires a “long obedience in the same direction.” Yet, in an age of immediacy, I don’t want a long obedience. I don’t want mundanity. I want one obedient act to fix everything. I want instant gratification and immediate sanctification. In some senses, this has been engrained in me by our current evangelical model for Christianity with its emphasis on dramatic conversion. You were once this way, now you are that way. It instilled in me that all of my issues should be similarly conquered, by an “AHA” moment followed by obedience. Yet my will power and perseverance still struggle to match my desire.
Exacerbating the problem further, I know good things require this hard work and long obedience. I know fidelity in our work is what carries it to completion. So, I try to remind myself of this. However, no amount of self motivation can make up for the inward bankruptcy of my will to accomplish the things God has put in front of me.
Why is it so difficult to be consistent? Is it capacity, habits, nearness to Christ, laziness…What ultimately holds us back from all that God would have us do? What separates all of us from those spiritual giants? They were just men and women, carried by the same Spirit inside of us. Yet, I cannot imagine living as on mission and on purpose as they did. Where did their motivation come from? What set them apart? I don’t know if I will ever understand, if I will ever arrive, if God will ever bless me with the ability to see through what I desire to do. So here I sit, wondering.
-NR
